Jenny Ford, founder of Monkey-Toes.com - Week 23

 

This week mass hysteria hit (ok, I’m over exaggerating, it was just my hysteria) that I will be birthing a baby through my chin.  Even my sweet little daughter Rose (who has the foot-in-mouth disease just like her mommy) has so kindly pointed it out - in which Tim was so sweet to tell Rose that it’s not nice to point things like that out and that mom is sensitive – then he turns to me and says “I don’t see it”.  Sweet, sweet man, please keep your blinders on.  It’s growing!  This is a bad hormonal dream being realized.  Should we be measuring the monthly growth to make sure it’s a healthy chin baby?  I really didn’t want to carry weight in my face and now I am finding myself redoing those weekly photographs to try to eliminate the extra growth in my face, cocking my face every which way to hide it.  I have been striving to keep my chin up and out so I don’t look unflattering with an additional 5 lbs below my jowls – it must be so rough to be a supermodel, I am now getting you and the pain you have to go through every day to look perfect all the time. I am finding myself trying not to look down for too long while people are looking and when I am sitting in the car, I rest my elbow on the arm rest and push the fat from my chin back to my neck with my hand.  People, this is a lot of work.

 

So anyone who knows me closely (and now you, I cannot believe I am sharing this with everyone, but I think it is something that needs to be thrown out there because it is the truth) knows this little secret – I pee myself, a lot.  Not in an old grandma or little baby sort of way – it’s not complete tinkle incontinence.  I don’t need a diaper.  I just have weak muscles down there – you would too if you had two babies back to back and never fully recovered the muscles.  Mainly it happens during sneezing, jumping, laughing, you get the point.  It is annoying and frustrating and I am told, probably weekly by the hubs, that I need to do Kegels – he will even demonstrate how easy it is and that he is doing it while we are talking, he’s like my own little personal urinary trainer.  I have a hard time with consistency, people say to do them at every stop sign or while you’re on the phone (heck, I could do them right now if I WANTED to).  I have a feeling (and please share with me your thoughts) that these aren’t going to solve the problem.  It’s been too long, my muscles are too weak and I am too freakin’ lazy to remember to do them (except right now).  I just don’t think about it – of course, except when I wet myself, then I think about it, real helpful.  Have Kegel’s actually changed anyone’s incontinent life out there?  If so, I’d love to hear your story, maybe it will motivate me to become a world champion Kegel master.  Until then, well I don’t really have to explain… you just may not want to visit my house while I’m still boycotting pants (see week 20 for the details on my protest).

 

So some sobering news this week (from a letter in the mail, that little personal touch every patient hopes for), I found out that my pap back in May is showing low grade HPV (Human Papillomavirus – which can be a precursor to cervical cancer – something I refuse to let my body accept.  My mantra – I have a very healthy and strong cervix, repeat).  They want to do a Colposcopy for further testing, but since I am pregg-o they cannot – insert obvious reasons here.  Sounds like we are going to wait to redo the pap after I deliver the little man and then figure things out.  I’m not concerned.

 

Enough about mommy, on to the baby… Still moving a TON.  I love feeling that morning kick, the voice in my head always says “Good morning, Baby” and I picture the day when I actually get to wake up with him right next to me and we can cuddle a little.  AHHH, so sweet.  Lately, I’ve been feeling some weird feelings inside, not weird in a scary way, but weird in a “what the heck is that” kinda way.  Honestly, it feels like the baby is farting (I’m actually laughing at the sound of that right now).  It feels like he is relieving his gas in the amniotic fluid.  It is a really weird feeling, but it’s truly the only way I can describe it.  And if he is anything like his daddy (anyone who knows him will agree) that he probably is cutting the cheese in utero – it’s his first trick and yes, he is a genius.  He is also making other strange movements, it feels like he is tapping his fingers on the inside of my womb.  Maybe he is sending me messages from inside via Morse code?  Like H-E-Y  M-O-M  I-D  R-E-A-L-L-Y  L-I-K-E  A  C-H-E-E-S-E-B-U-R-G-E-R.  I can only assume that is what he is asking for, and I must be here to accommodate his wishes, he is a baby after all.